My Thoughts About People

I was going to name this post:

My Thoughts About Children.

But then, no. Children are people too.

My feelings spawn from the amount 

of time that I spend at preschool.

When I first headed back to preschool I wanted to die, 

the children, they have a lot of different...

fluids...?

They pee on the floor, 

sneeze on my hand (always right on my hand)

and everything else you can think of.

I guess I really let those things effect 

how I feel about kids.

(Also the amount that I've been 

pinched and bit and head butted 

has probably had something to do with it.)

I realized the bitterness in my soul
when I was on a date and I told the guy,

"You know...I don't think I want children."

A couple of hours later

( I guess he was still thinking about it)

He said, "Hey, were you serious earlier

when you said the kid stuff?"

"um."

Well, that was then.

And now, I think I've come around.

Let me tell you why.

The other day one of the little boys at school

asked if he could come to my birthday party,

and with regret,
I had to tell him that it was for big kids.

(Even though I'm pretty sure more 

3 year olds would make it a lot more fun!)

I've found that children are kind.

And sweet.

They want to share their Legos,

they want to make others happy.

They laugh when the other little kids fart.

Another experience.

Today I was observing the playtime activities.

All of the kids build and karate chop things.

For an hour.

The current item being karate chopped was...

a wooden train track I believe.

Somehow the train track ended up

hitting the nose of my little one.

And this next part, this is the good stuff.

The first person he looked for?

Me.

His arms both came out, 

and soon he was sitting on my lap.

I snuggled him, 

and gave him eskimo kisses.

I told him that I was sorry that he was hurt.
(and also advised him to stop karate chopping things above his head, 

you know...gravity?)

I tossled his cute little hair

kissed his nose,

and sent him back to play.

And, I know what you're thinking,
"And that's when the water works started."
Nope. NO typical Tilly this time.

But.
I really did love that moment.
All of the boogers, and scratches, and tears.
(Mine and his)
They were all worth it.

So. Guy that I was on a date with.
I've changed my mind.

I give in.

January 9th: The Shared Day

(First of all, I understand that this might be an open wound for some.

I apologize if I hurt any feelings. 

I realize that this post has some really selfish stuff in it.

Hopefully you can read it with the feeling that was intended.)

Most of the people from my younger days

know that I share my birthday with Rachel Hanna.

Since Rachie and I were friends from a young age and shared the 

same small town friends it was only natural to collaboriate on birthday parties.

From having a tea party at Sengthong's 

to watching The Little Mermaid at Greg and Sherri's

it was always together.

I have to admit, I don't have any birthday memories that exclude her.

Obviously I was a little jealous when we were younger,

blah blah blah I didn't get my own party.

And even as I grew older, sometimes

I didn't think it was fair that I cried every year

on MY birthday.

That my birthday always included a trip to the cemetery,

and that my birthday balloons were given to the sky.

My day, was our day.

But life has proven to teach me a few things.

Through losing that precious little girl I've learned that

life is valuable beyond comprehension.

But.

There's more.

I have come to know that families can be together forever,

even after death.

I've come to find that being selfless is more important than, "having my own day".

That thinking of others, and loving and caring will always lead to happiness.

That you can dwell on loss, live like a victim of life,

OR you can cherish memories and make new ones.

And right now. 

Even though I cry that I've been selfish,

 and I can't believe that I still miss her after 14 years, I'm also so happy.

I'm so grateful that I get to share with her. 

That sweet little girl reminds me to love others.

To make them smile and laugh.

And tomorrow, I'll wear purple. 

And I'll probably cry a little bit, because loss is so hard.

But most importantly I'll smile.

Because I'm the luckiest girl in the world,

I get to share my birthday with an angel.

My Deep Dark Secret

I wanted to see if a somewhat intriguing title

would make people want to 

read this post.

Ha! You just got tricked into reading a love post!

Somewhere along the road 

I got confused

And the real definition of Love

got tossed by the wayside.

I have continued to confuse love

For other things.

Love is hugs and kisses.

Love is appraisal.

Love is flowers.

(In the classic words of a favorite teacher-I've "operationalized" love)

Love is....fill in the blank with whatever chick movies define love as.

Nay nay. 

Love is not all of those things,

BECAUSE you can have love 

and not have any of those things at all.

What love IS:

Being loved is being loving. 

And it turns out that being 

loving is incredibly, incredibly 

tough for me.

I don't know really how to do it yet,

 this loving thing.

And I'm really sad, and kind 

of upset that I want so badly to 

be different.

But I'm also acutely aware of

a truth. 

(Here comes the "God stuff")

Heavenly Father IS love

Christ IS the way and the truth.

So even though I've fed myself a lot of lies,

I'm connected to this man who literally 

IS love.

He doesn't show me the way to love,

he literally

IS

THE WAY!

And so I have faith.

And I hope,

and I'm upset sometimes,

but still happy.

Because I believe that

the better I know Christ

the more instantaneous Love

I feel 

and Give.

So as I struggle to feel loved,

I'm going to try to know Christ better.

As I struggle to feel loved I'm going

to try and treat others with more love.

Sounds simple. We'll see.

The Not-So-Golden Rule

Can we just call it "The Silver Rule" instead?

Just hear me out on this one.

I've been fed a lie my whole life.

And some light was shed on the matter

  at preschool.

I work with a little boy who, if he got his way,

would look at his stuffed animal Mario and Luigi ALL DAY.

And at preschool he assumes that every child wants to 

do the same at playtime. 

He thinks of their needs in terms of his needs.

I find myself asking him, "What do you think THEY want to play with"?

I don't say, "What do you want to play with? They probably want that too!"

Because that's unrealistic. 

As is the "Golden Rule"-

 "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you",

or some rendition like unto it.

So, I grew up thinking that everyone feels loved the same 

way that I do.

I thought, "Give them kisses and gifts and they'll feel loved." 

Oops. We have a problem people,

and it's the fact that we're all DIFFERENT.

And how I might want to be treated could possibly, 

and most likely is,

different than how you would prefer to be treated.

The "Golden Rule" might instead be: 

"Do unto others as God would do unto them".

We should treat people the way that an all knowing God

treats them.

And that seems kind of hard, but I think it can be done

when we see others as loving, kind, PEOPLE.

When it comes down to it, we might not even know

what the other person needs,

and there's the beauty of it all--God does know!

He knows what everyone needs and he'll help us love

each other.

Yup, that was a little sugary, but you get my point. 

My Big Brother Finally Taught Me Something

At the end of a long day

when my life feels murky,

and I can't really see what's ahead

I sometimes slip, and embrace despair.

When I feel hopeless and helpless

and sometimes unloved or unwanted,

well there's a word that I try to imagine in my mind.

It's a tiny word, with so much meaning.

HOPE.

The wise Neal A Maxwell wrote,

"Significantly, those who look forward

 to a next and better world

 are usually “anxiously engaged”

 in improving this one,

 for they “always abound in good works". 

Thus, real hope is much more than wishful musing.

 It stiffens, not slackens, the spiritual spine. 

It is composed, 

not giddy,

 eager without being naive,

 and pleasantly steady without being smug.

 Hope is realistic anticipation taking the form of determination—a determination not merely to survive but to “endure … well” to the end." -Neil A Maxwell "Brightness of Hope"

There's a man 

that I know who is the epitome

of Hope. 

In fact, he wrote the following words and sent them to me.

They're filled with the "steady", "composed" hope

that Neil A. Maxwell described,

"In this the darkest hour of her life, 

when her hopes and dreams had burnt to the ground,

 a fiery Phoenix rose from the ashes. 

The phoenix was not hope

 but that is what others saw,

 it was not charity,

 but that is what other people saw, 

it was not joy but that's what others saw,

 she was not our savior 

but that is what other people saw."

I wept when I read this

because in our darkest hours,

we can still be hope to someone,

we can still be charity, we can still save 

and we can still have Joy.

The thing that we have to remember

is that we get to decide on these feelings.

So.

When I awake in the morning,

wishing I could skip ahead

to calmer water,

I say to myself,

I will.

"Embrace this day with an enthusiastic

welcome...no matter how it looks."

Because that. Is Hope.

Being Mormon: It's My Choice

I would like to be one of those people

who just knows,

But.

Believing in Christ is actually

a choice for me.

Some do know that He exists.

I've read accounts of people who have seen His eyes

or touched the prints of His hands.

And, obviously

well. 

That's just not my story.

Happily,

I was blessed enough to be born

into a family that did introduce me

to the Savior.

And over the past couple of years

as I've lived and learned

I've come to really, truly, 

believe.

The number ONE reason 

that I believe in Christ though,

is not really "proof" at all to some.

It's not tangible, I did not see Christ, I haven't 

even heard his voice,

or felt his touch on my arm.

However,

I believe in following a feeling.

I know how I feel

when I am choosing as 

I believe Christ would have chosen.

 That's enough for me to say I believe.

When I'm kind, and patient,

Loving and helpful, 

thoughtful, faithful, full of hope.

That's when I'm happy,

and I believe that Christ is my perfect example.

The number TWO reason, is similar.

Through my use of the 

Atonement of Christ,

I FEEL as if my guilt has

been washed away,

and that the wrong that I

have done is wiped clean.

With that being said.

It's not difficult to be "Mormon"

because I don't get to drink coffee, 

sleep around, watch rated R movies or 

go to Applebee's on Sunday.

It's difficult because each day I have

to choose to believe

in Christ because of a feeling that I have.

And sometimes I'm sure that 

it would be easier for me to not believe.

It might be easier, and possibly

make more sense if

I only believed in what "my retina fell upon".

But for me, 

believing is worth it

because I am happy when I'm 

leading a faith-filled life.

Disclaimer: I am not saying that people

who don't believe in Christ are not patient

kind, loving, etc.

I'm only saying this.

Choosing to following the example of Christ

has invited more true happiness

into my life than any other person,

or object.

And I love being Happy. 

Start Here

Sometimes.
When I'm trying to 
improve, become better,
I don't know where to start.

I feel overwhelmed with what's
 in front of me. Bleh.

I think the best advice 

 that I've ever been given  
on what to do with 
this dilemma

is ...

"Start where you are."

You're thinking,"well that sure sounds simple.

Where else could I possibly start ?"

And maybe it's just a problem for me.

But for some reason,

I've always thought that 

I had to be better

before I could really

start becoming better.

Or that I needed to be 

perfect before I could repent.

But it's just not true.

We do not have to be better

to start becoming better.

We get to start where we are.

As Elder Holland said,

"The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge

 is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate

 toward the faith you do have

 and the truth you already know."

In other words,

it doesn't matter how lacking we are,

what's important is whether

or not we are true to what we do possess.

So. What if we're not true to the faith

we do have. 
Sounds like a big problem?
Well let me tell you something that I know.

We're allowed do-overs.
We're allowed to make mistakes,
we're allowed to not live up to our potential.
As long as we realize
 that no matter where we end up after those mistakes
we're going to have to start where we are.
Again.

There we have it.
I don't know why this gives
me so much comfort,
but the fact that
I can always start in the 
very exact place that I am, 
well that just gives me hope.

Worry not everyone. WE DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT!
We just have to keep on trying, from this very spot.