I hope the cliche'-ness of this post doesn't
overshadow the meaning that I'm putting into it.
I've always been one of those people who can't really spend that much time by myself.
Because I usually run out of stuff to do fairly quickly and then I need someone else
to entertain me.
This has been evident over the past couple of years because I've always filled my time with other people, always always.
However, the past couple of months have really been transition months and I've made a decision to...
wait for it.....
The Tilly that I wanted to be was lost deeeeeeeep down inside and she was ready to show her pale little face.
And so the journey began with my first trip to the movie theatre,
Can I just tell you I totally enjoyed it?!
At first I was self conscious and embarrassed, and the ticket taker was a guy that I knew, so I felt pretty silly.
But after I got over the initial newness I was a happy camper..watcher.
And so I continued the journey.
This week I took a beautiful hike.
Went shoe shopping.
Ate at my favorite indian food restaurant
Went to the gym
And, last but not least,
went to a concert.
I mean, I'm still getting use to this solo act, but also I think it's good for me to figure out who I am.
And, I've found that I'm pretty fun.
I had fun singing out loud to myself as I hiked.
I had a lot of fun at this concert, listening to music that I totally loved. I had fun dancing by myself.
Stick with me a little longer, I want to tell you the best part.
So, when I was younger ( my parents can testify) I had this really bad habit. As a little girl I would always sing myself to sleep at night. I did it for years, and I sang REALLY loud.
I can remember multiple occasions when my parents had to come into my room and tell me to quiet down because they couldn't sleep.
The happiness in my childhood heart would radiate out of my mouth, I loved singing so much and it truly soothed me. I would make up words to my own songs, and just sing for hours.
Fast forward to a couple of nights ago, my roommate was visiting family and I was all alone in my room.
A voice drifted through our apartment, it was a little Tilly girl, happily singing herself to sleep.
And I'm proud to announce that, My friends, I've found myself.
The mountains were so beautiful
on my way home from work today
that I didn't even care that I
was stopped in rush hour traffic.
I listened to the radio really loud
and I thanked Heavenly Father
for the beautiful weather
for the blue sky
and I cried because I was so happy.
I was sitting in my social work class
when my teacher said something
that really caught my attention,
"Why do we think we need to be better than others?"
I started to panic,
I thought of a bunch of ways to
dodge the question.
"We live in a competitive world,
if we want to succeed we need to be
better than the next guy."
"If I want a job I have to have a better interview than my competitor"
"If I want an A on the test I need to do better than my classmates."
And so forth.
Whoa whoa whoa, was that really what she was asking?
You already know it wasn't.
She was asking,
"Why, when we see someone with a sign that says 'will work for food',
do we automatically think we are 'better' than they"?
Even more so,
why do we feel the need to make this comparison
in the first place?
Why do we not only compare,
but also, why do we feel the need to place
others' worth below our own?
Are we not all people?
And I've thought and thought about this.
Well, honestly all of them end selfishly.
Now, bettering myself? Obviously I think that's a righteous endeavor,
learning from experiences, reading new books, mastering new skills.
There's no harm in being better.
The problem is being better THAN.
Better than "those people",
whether mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, academically,
there's really just no need to compare.
When it comes to inherent worth,
I truly believe that we are all the same.
No matter what illness we have, what shortcomings we fall to,
how many breakdowns, or break throughs,
we all have worth.