My Deep Dark Secret

I wanted to see if a somewhat intriguing title

would make people want to 

read this post.

Ha! You just got tricked into reading a love post!

Somewhere along the road 

I got confused

And the real definition of Love

got tossed by the wayside.

I have continued to confuse love

For other things.

Love is hugs and kisses.

Love is appraisal.

Love is flowers.

(In the classic words of a favorite teacher-I've "operationalized" love)

Love is....fill in the blank with whatever chick movies define love as.

Nay nay. 

Love is not all of those things,

BECAUSE you can have love 

and not have any of those things at all.

What love IS:

Being loved is being loving. 

And it turns out that being 

loving is incredibly, incredibly 

tough for me.

I don't know really how to do it yet,

 this loving thing.

And I'm really sad, and kind 

of upset that I want so badly to 

be different.

But I'm also acutely aware of

a truth. 

(Here comes the "God stuff")

Heavenly Father IS love

Christ IS the way and the truth.

So even though I've fed myself a lot of lies,

I'm connected to this man who literally 

IS love.

He doesn't show me the way to love,

he literally

IS

THE WAY!

And so I have faith.

And I hope,

and I'm upset sometimes,

but still happy.

Because I believe that

the better I know Christ

the more instantaneous Love

I feel 

and Give.

So as I struggle to feel loved,

I'm going to try to know Christ better.

As I struggle to feel loved I'm going

to try and treat others with more love.

Sounds simple. We'll see.

The Not-So-Golden Rule

Can we just call it "The Silver Rule" instead?

Just hear me out on this one.

I've been fed a lie my whole life.

And some light was shed on the matter

  at preschool.

I work with a little boy who, if he got his way,

would look at his stuffed animal Mario and Luigi ALL DAY.

And at preschool he assumes that every child wants to 

do the same at playtime. 

He thinks of their needs in terms of his needs.

I find myself asking him, "What do you think THEY want to play with"?

I don't say, "What do you want to play with? They probably want that too!"

Because that's unrealistic. 

As is the "Golden Rule"-

 "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you",

or some rendition like unto it.

So, I grew up thinking that everyone feels loved the same 

way that I do.

I thought, "Give them kisses and gifts and they'll feel loved." 

Oops. We have a problem people,

and it's the fact that we're all DIFFERENT.

And how I might want to be treated could possibly, 

and most likely is,

different than how you would prefer to be treated.

The "Golden Rule" might instead be: 

"Do unto others as God would do unto them".

We should treat people the way that an all knowing God

treats them.

And that seems kind of hard, but I think it can be done

when we see others as loving, kind, PEOPLE.

When it comes down to it, we might not even know

what the other person needs,

and there's the beauty of it all--God does know!

He knows what everyone needs and he'll help us love

each other.

Yup, that was a little sugary, but you get my point. 

My Big Brother Finally Taught Me Something

At the end of a long day

when my life feels murky,

and I can't really see what's ahead

I sometimes slip, and embrace despair.

When I feel hopeless and helpless

and sometimes unloved or unwanted,

well there's a word that I try to imagine in my mind.

It's a tiny word, with so much meaning.

HOPE.

The wise Neal A Maxwell wrote,

"Significantly, those who look forward

 to a next and better world

 are usually “anxiously engaged”

 in improving this one,

 for they “always abound in good works". 

Thus, real hope is much more than wishful musing.

 It stiffens, not slackens, the spiritual spine. 

It is composed, 

not giddy,

 eager without being naive,

 and pleasantly steady without being smug.

 Hope is realistic anticipation taking the form of determination—a determination not merely to survive but to “endure … well” to the end." -Neil A Maxwell "Brightness of Hope"

There's a man 

that I know who is the epitome

of Hope. 

In fact, he wrote the following words and sent them to me.

They're filled with the "steady", "composed" hope

that Neil A. Maxwell described,

"In this the darkest hour of her life, 

when her hopes and dreams had burnt to the ground,

 a fiery Phoenix rose from the ashes. 

The phoenix was not hope

 but that is what others saw,

 it was not charity,

 but that is what other people saw, 

it was not joy but that's what others saw,

 she was not our savior 

but that is what other people saw."

I wept when I read this

because in our darkest hours,

we can still be hope to someone,

we can still be charity, we can still save 

and we can still have Joy.

The thing that we have to remember

is that we get to decide on these feelings.

So.

When I awake in the morning,

wishing I could skip ahead

to calmer water,

I say to myself,

I will.

"Embrace this day with an enthusiastic

welcome...no matter how it looks."

Because that. Is Hope.

Being Mormon: It's My Choice

I would like to be one of those people

who just knows,

But.

Believing in Christ is actually

a choice for me.

Some do know that He exists.

I've read accounts of people who have seen His eyes

or touched the prints of His hands.

And, obviously

well. 

That's just not my story.

Happily,

I was blessed enough to be born

into a family that did introduce me

to the Savior.

And over the past couple of years

as I've lived and learned

I've come to really, truly, 

believe.

The number ONE reason 

that I believe in Christ though,

is not really "proof" at all to some.

It's not tangible, I did not see Christ, I haven't 

even heard his voice,

or felt his touch on my arm.

However,

I believe in following a feeling.

I know how I feel

when I am choosing as 

I believe Christ would have chosen.

 That's enough for me to say I believe.

When I'm kind, and patient,

Loving and helpful, 

thoughtful, faithful, full of hope.

That's when I'm happy,

and I believe that Christ is my perfect example.

The number TWO reason, is similar.

Through my use of the 

Atonement of Christ,

I FEEL as if my guilt has

been washed away,

and that the wrong that I

have done is wiped clean.

With that being said.

It's not difficult to be "Mormon"

because I don't get to drink coffee, 

sleep around, watch rated R movies or 

go to Applebee's on Sunday.

It's difficult because each day I have

to choose to believe

in Christ because of a feeling that I have.

And sometimes I'm sure that 

it would be easier for me to not believe.

It might be easier, and possibly

make more sense if

I only believed in what "my retina fell upon".

But for me, 

believing is worth it

because I am happy when I'm 

leading a faith-filled life.

Disclaimer: I am not saying that people

who don't believe in Christ are not patient

kind, loving, etc.

I'm only saying this.

Choosing to following the example of Christ

has invited more true happiness

into my life than any other person,

or object.

And I love being Happy. 

Start Here

Sometimes.
When I'm trying to 
improve, become better,
I don't know where to start.

I feel overwhelmed with what's
 in front of me. Bleh.

I think the best advice 

 that I've ever been given  
on what to do with 
this dilemma

is ...

"Start where you are."

You're thinking,"well that sure sounds simple.

Where else could I possibly start ?"

And maybe it's just a problem for me.

But for some reason,

I've always thought that 

I had to be better

before I could really

start becoming better.

Or that I needed to be 

perfect before I could repent.

But it's just not true.

We do not have to be better

to start becoming better.

We get to start where we are.

As Elder Holland said,

"The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge

 is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate

 toward the faith you do have

 and the truth you already know."

In other words,

it doesn't matter how lacking we are,

what's important is whether

or not we are true to what we do possess.

So. What if we're not true to the faith

we do have. 
Sounds like a big problem?
Well let me tell you something that I know.

We're allowed do-overs.
We're allowed to make mistakes,
we're allowed to not live up to our potential.
As long as we realize
 that no matter where we end up after those mistakes
we're going to have to start where we are.
Again.

There we have it.
I don't know why this gives
me so much comfort,
but the fact that
I can always start in the 
very exact place that I am, 
well that just gives me hope.

Worry not everyone. WE DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT!
We just have to keep on trying, from this very spot.

Our Guide

It turns out that learning

how to teach, has really helped

me learn about Teachers.

Recently I've been struggling to figure

out how to guide children

to explore.

Steven E. Gutstein Ph.D. said,

"Guides act as a catalyst, 

leading Apprentices to the 'edge' of their competence

 and inviting them to take one step beyond,

 but not forcing or demanding that they do so. 

They view themselves as a 'potentiating' 

and not a 'directing' force. "

Therapy then is getting the student 

to the "edge", and it is there

on the edge where the student

will grow the most.

However, the instructor should have

enough foresight to not give the

child a challenge that 

he or she cannot handle.

The teacher's role then is to:

Provide Opportunity

Support and

Give Suggestions

And the student's role is to:

Push themselves

Take suggestions

and to rely on their Guide.

This type of guidance works

well with autism in a therapy session

but, let's be honest, there's a bigger message

here as well.

It's only as we allow 

ourselves to be pushed to the "edge"

that we will truly reach

our potential.

We have to learn to rely on our Guide,

to remember that he will never give us 

a task that we cannot handle.

We HAVE to take his suggestions,

no matter how contrary to our

simple minds they seem.

Because.
When we're pushed is
when we can truly learn and grow.

All About The Process

I've recently been introduced 

to a little boy

who has started to change my life.

Not only does he show me how to love

but his family, his mother with her patience

and his siblings with their

persistance, they all teach me

to journey on.

The specific type of therapy that I'm

doing with him is called RDI,

(Relationship Development Intervention)

and it has taught me one

very important concept...

"It's not about the outcome,

It's about the journey."

Yes, we all want to end up happy.

We all want to be better, and do better,

we want nice houses and 

wonderful companions,

but the most important part

is how we change on our way.

 I've found that the most important part

of Becoming Better 

is just that

The Becoming.

President Hinckley said this, 

"None of us will become perfect in a day or a month or a year. 

We will not accomplish it in a lifetime, 

but we can begin now, 

starting with our more obvious weaknesses

 and gradually converting them to strengths 

as we go forward with our lives. 

This quest may be a long one;

 in fact, it will be lifelong. 

It may be fraught with many mistakes, 

with falling down and getting back up again. 

And it will take much effort. But we must not sell ourselves short. 

We must make a little extra effort. 

We would be wise to kneel before our God in supplication.

 He will help us.

 He will bless us.

 He will comfort and sustain us. 

He will help us to do more, and be more, than we can ever accomplish or be on our own."

-Standing for Something: Ten Neglected Virtues That Will Heal Our Hearts and Homes,

(Thank You Zach Oates)

After watching this video,

and reading President Hinckley's words,

after thinking a lot about

"the process"

I really know that this life can be as 

good as we let it.

When we focus on others,

when we meet each day with optimism.

When we sincerely rely

on the grace of the savior

as we strive to over come our own weakness.

When we listen to Christ, when we

believe in the atonement and our

ability to change

an amazing thing happens.

We change.

Gary Indiana

Once Upon a Nightmare...

I was flying in a plane for the first time.

And on this plane there were many

"Plane People."

You know those people, the ones who 

tell you their whole life story?

Or try to convert you to their religion

or offer to buy you a drink?

Well I met one of these people.

He was sitting next to me

 in the back left corner

of the plane and his name was Gary.

Gary the diamond salesman from Florida.

I had just watched The Music Man

so I sang the "Gary Indiana" song to 

him until his name was forever imprinted in my brain.

(The lyrics are quite repetitive, so it didn't take very long)

But, Gary's name and occupation

weren't the only things I learned on that trip.

I also learned that people, no matter

how they act, or how they

talk, or who they've fallen in or out of love with,

or what they wear,

People ARE People.

And Gary understood this.

I know because as I sat on that plane

he treated me, not like a motion sick 19

year old, but like a person.

He was kind and he looked me in the eye

when he spoke to me.

He remembered my name

 and used it.

He offered to switch places so I could 

look out the window so I wouldn't

puke on him.

In essence he applied some
of the concepts in my favorite book,

 "Bonds That Make Us Free."

 The author C. Terry Warner
brilliantly explains how we should treat others.
He explains,

"By seeing others suspiciously, accusingly, or fearfully,

we become suspicious, accusing, or fearful ourselves. 

By no longer seeing them with care, delight, and generosity,
we ourselves cease to be caring, delighted, and generous.

The kind of people we are

 cannot be separated from how we interpret

the world around us.

'Adam is Adam's world,' 

wrote the philosopher Gottfirend Wilhelm Leibniz.

Who we are is how we are in relation to others."

And there we have it.
Gary was kind because he saw
the world in a kind way.
He was delightful because he saw the world
with delight.

I want to be more like Gary.

We've All Thought It, Life Isn't Fair

My third grade teacher

Mr. Wright always use to say

(usually after I had complained about a grade)

Well Tilly, "Life isn't fair."

And as I have experienced a little more of life

I've found 

that he's right. 

Well. Kind of.

There's something that he left out,

and I learned this valuable lesson my freshman year at BYU.

I was in my mission prep class and on page 52 of "Preach my Gospel"

I read,

"All that is unfair about life

can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ."

Over the past couple of years

I've thought about this truth multiple times.

When someone questions

God's Love, or Power,

the age old question,

 "Why do bad things happen to good people?"

Or, "How could God let this happen?"

It's because he has already put a plan in place

to take care of all of that.

A perfect plan.

A beautiful endless plan

that saves all of us from the "unfair."

So sometimes when life is hard,

when it seems like everyone is happier

or better off,

when it seems like life just isn't worth it,

and that waking up is the worst part of the day.

Just remember,

The Atonement of Jesus Christ covers and erases

everything that is unfair.

Heavenly Father knows our circumstances

and loves us.

He wants what's best for us,

and in the end that's what we'll get.

My Mountains to Climb

When I'm in emotional turmoil

I try to climb mountains.

Literally. 

(Mt. Shasta, which I've never actually climbed)

I choose a mountain, I look up to the top

and I show that mountain 

who's boss.

There's something about being scared,

being alone, 

and doing something all on my own.

One time I chose a Mountain that was almost too much for me.

I climbed to the top, and after about an hour of sitting there

I decided that I wanted to go back down.

But on the way down

I found myself in a sticky situation.

I needed help.

It was getting dark and the cliffs were really steep.

So, you know what I did?

Yup. I called my mommy.

She was kind of mad at me for getting her all freaked out.

She thought I was going to fall off and I would never see her again.

(What a drama queen!)

Of course I made it down.
(After a couple of whispered prayers)

and it felt Grrrreat!

I've since learned that doing scary things is so important

for my growth.

Climbing mountains is hard, 

and that's why I think I like it so much.

Because when I look back up from the bottom and see what I just endured

a feeling of accomplishment comes to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdN8rfwW3SI&feature=share

I can say to myself, I can do this.

Whatever it is I must do

I can do it. 

And this morning was no different.

I went up Rock Canyon,

I found a Mountain, and I climbed it.



And, although the mountain wasn't that tall
I still felt so great when I was at the top looking down.

And I know that's just how our trials are
sometimes we need to call on the help of our Heavenly Father.
Sometimes we need to look back up at what we did and we can
say to ourselves: I did that.

I know that climbing mountains makes me stronger
and best of all it helps me become better. 

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/mountains-to-climb?lang=eng

My View on Power Lines

Yesterday,

After a long day I decided to rest and watch some college basketball.

The curtains were pushed to the side so when I laid on the couch

 I got a view of the Wasatch Mountains.

However, the first thing that I thought of was,
"Dang, I wish those power lines weren't in the way...

I would have a much better view."

As soon as this sneaky thought entered my mind

I thought of Kim (Now Sister Bennett.)

One evening as the sun was setting

I walked into our apartment

to find her at her easel.

Sitting in the same living room, 

looking at those same mountains.

With paintbrush in hand, and a smile on her face

the first thing she said to me as she turned around, 

"Tilly! I love POWER LINES!"

She looked at those mountains

and instead of wishing the power lines away

she embraced their edges and dark lines.

She loved those power lines because

she looked at them in a positive way.

 To her, they were beautiful.

And last night is when I FINALLY REALIZED that

Being positive has little to do with your View, and everything to do with your Perspective.



This fact was solidified in my mind last week.
I was working on being positive and FAILING miserably
 I then read this,
"A man's a fool who takes an insult that isn't intended."
An insult? Or a compliment? It all depends on your PERSPECTIVE.

So, this week I decided that I trusted everyone.
I decided that my friends love me,
that the people I work with love me.
That my teachers want me to get A's.
I decided I loved my job, my major, my LIFE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uM7J6aEWlPM



Because. 
I can either take what people say as
a compliment
or 
an insult. 
Either way I get to choose how I feel.

I can take my life for granted, 
or I can embrace my imperfections.

And I decided. I love power lines.

The Most Amazing Thing

The Most Amazing Thing happened to me this morning...

And I would like to sincerely share my testimony about it. 

I awoke feeling anxious and fearful.

 Of what? 

I'm not quite sure.

But I know that my heart was beating faster than it normally does

 and my mind seemed to be skipping from one uneasy thought to the next. 

My stomach felt sick. 

I got in the shower, hoping that would relax me.

It didn't.

I decided to start reading a book called "Coping with Anxiety"

(Thank you Kimberly Bennet)

Hoping that would help.

Although the relaxation breathing and meditating did calm me down a bit

it didn't seem to get at the root of my discomfort.

And then my roommate Heather came in, turned on byutv and Elder Uchtdorf was speaking. 

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/10/the-love-of-god?lang=eng

The talk was titled "The Love of God".

We listened intently and soon, tears came to my eyes. 

I don't remember what he was talking about exactly, but he said the words, 

"...try, and keep on trying."

That was just what I needed to hear.

 I needed to hear that my Heavenly Father will continue to love me.

He wants me to try, and keep trying...and he'll always help me.

I went into my room, and listened to my "self-talk".

It was completely different from before.

I was COUNTING BLESSINGS.

I was ACKNOWLEDGING POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES of others instead of their shortcomings.

I wanted to be around others, instead of by myself. 

I felt HAPPY and PEACEFUL.

I asked myself, what changed? 

How did this happen? 

Why did I feel so bad, and then feel so different?

I know why, and I want you to know that I know.

It's because:

I have a loving Father in Heaven. 

Who helps me day to day, and moment to moment. 

He knows my fears and trials. 

He knows the intents of my heart.

He knows that I want to know Him and follow Him.

The Love of the Savior transforms our hearts when we cannot do it ourselves. 

His love is infinite and penetrating. 

I began to realize that all of the attributes I've been blogging about,

I only have those when I have the Love of the Savior in my heart.

He helps me grow and learn.

HE helps me Become Better.