She Sings Herself To Sleep

I hope the cliche'-ness of this post doesn't
overshadow the meaning that I'm putting into it.

I've always been one of those people who can't really spend that much time by myself.
Because I usually run out of stuff to do fairly quickly and then I need someone else
to entertain me.

This has been evident over the past couple of years because I've always filled my time with other people, always always.

However, the past couple of months have really been transition months and I've made a decision to...
wait for it.....
FIND MYSELF.

The Tilly that I wanted to be was lost deeeeeeeep down inside and she was ready  to show her pale little face.

And so the journey began with my first trip to the movie theatre,
SOLO.

Can I just tell you I totally enjoyed it?!
At first I was self conscious and embarrassed, and the ticket taker was a guy that I knew, so I felt pretty silly.
But after I got over the initial newness I was a happy camper..watcher.

And so I continued the journey.
This week I took a beautiful hike.
By myself.
Went shoe shopping.
By myself.
Ate at my favorite indian food restaurant
By myself.
Went to the gym
By myself.
And, last but not least,
went to a concert.
By myself.

I mean, I'm still getting use to this solo act, but also I think it's good for me to figure out who I am.
And, I've found that I'm pretty fun.
I had fun singing out loud to myself as I hiked.
I had a lot of fun at this concert, listening to music that I totally loved. I had fun dancing by myself.

Stick with me a little longer, I want to tell you the best part.

So, when I was younger ( my parents can testify) I had this really bad habit. As a little girl I would always sing myself to sleep at night. I did it for years, and I sang REALLY loud.

I can remember multiple occasions when my parents had to come into my room and tell me to quiet down because they couldn't sleep.

The happiness in my childhood heart would radiate out of my mouth, I loved singing so much and it truly soothed me. I would make up words to my own songs, and just sing for hours.

Fast forward to a couple of nights ago, my roommate was visiting family and I was all alone in my room.

A voice drifted through our apartment, it was a little Tilly girl, happily singing herself to sleep.

And I'm proud to announce that, My friends, I've found myself.

Beautiful Mountains

The mountains were so beautiful
on my way home from work today
that I didn't even care that I
 was stopped in rush hour traffic.
I listened to the radio really loud
and I thanked Heavenly Father
for the beautiful weather
for the blue sky
and I cried because I was so happy.

Being Better THAN

I was sitting in my social work class
when my teacher said something
that really caught my attention,
"Why do we think we need to be better than others?"

I started to panic,
I thought of a bunch of ways to
dodge the question.

"We live in a competitive world,
if we want to succeed we need to be
better than the next guy."
"If I want a job I have to have a better interview than my competitor"
"If I want an A on the test I need to do better than my classmates."

And so forth.

Whoa whoa whoa, was that really what she was asking?
You already know it wasn't.

She was asking,
"Why, when we see someone with a sign that says 'will work for food',
do we automatically think we are 'better' than they"?

Even more so,
why do we feel the need to make this comparison
in the first place?

Why do we not only compare,
but also, why do we feel the need to place
others' worth below our own?
Are we not all people?

And I've thought and thought about this.

My answer?
Well, honestly all of them end selfishly.

Now, bettering myself? Obviously I think that's a righteous endeavor,
learning from experiences, reading new books, mastering new skills.
There's no harm in being better.

The problem is being better THAN.
Better than "those people",
whether mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, academically,
there's really just no need to compare.

When it comes to inherent worth,
I truly believe that we are all the same.
No matter what illness we have, what shortcomings we fall to,
how many breakdowns, or break throughs,
we all have worth.

At Least SOMEONE Knows What's Going On

Though he’s still confused at how to serve me, 

I’ll soon lead him to a clearer dawning, 

In the green sapling, can’t the gardener see  

The flowers and fruit the coming years will bring

-Faust by Goethe 

What I Wouldn't Do

For 5 years.

I've been addicted to this song, 

"What I Wouldn't Do"

by A Fine Frenzy.

And today for the first time

I learned how to play it on the guitar.

And I feel so happy

that I can sing and play

my very favorite song.

I think I might cry.

My Thoughts About People

I was going to name this post:

My Thoughts About Children.

But then, no. Children are people too.

My feelings spawn from the amount 

of time that I spend at preschool.

When I first headed back to preschool I wanted to die, 

the children, they have a lot of different...

fluids...?

They pee on the floor, 

sneeze on my hand (always right on my hand)

and everything else you can think of.

I guess I really let those things effect 

how I feel about kids.

(Also the amount that I've been 

pinched and bit and head butted 

has probably had something to do with it.)

I realized the bitterness in my soul
when I was on a date and I told the guy,

"You know...I don't think I want children."

A couple of hours later

( I guess he was still thinking about it)

He said, "Hey, were you serious earlier

when you said the kid stuff?"

"um."

Well, that was then.

And now, I think I've come around.

Let me tell you why.

The other day one of the little boys at school

asked if he could come to my birthday party,

and with regret,
I had to tell him that it was for big kids.

(Even though I'm pretty sure more 

3 year olds would make it a lot more fun!)

I've found that children are kind.

And sweet.

They want to share their Legos,

they want to make others happy.

They laugh when the other little kids fart.

Another experience.

Today I was observing the playtime activities.

All of the kids build and karate chop things.

For an hour.

The current item being karate chopped was...

a wooden train track I believe.

Somehow the train track ended up

hitting the nose of my little one.

And this next part, this is the good stuff.

The first person he looked for?

Me.

His arms both came out, 

and soon he was sitting on my lap.

I snuggled him, 

and gave him eskimo kisses.

I told him that I was sorry that he was hurt.
(and also advised him to stop karate chopping things above his head, 

you know...gravity?)

I tossled his cute little hair

kissed his nose,

and sent him back to play.

And, I know what you're thinking,
"And that's when the water works started."
Nope. NO typical Tilly this time.

But.
I really did love that moment.
All of the boogers, and scratches, and tears.
(Mine and his)
They were all worth it.

So. Guy that I was on a date with.
I've changed my mind.

I give in.

January 9th: The Shared Day

(First of all, I understand that this might be an open wound for some.

I apologize if I hurt any feelings. 

I realize that this post has some really selfish stuff in it.

Hopefully you can read it with the feeling that was intended.)

Most of the people from my younger days

know that I share my birthday with Rachel Hanna.

Since Rachie and I were friends from a young age and shared the 

same small town friends it was only natural to collaboriate on birthday parties.

From having a tea party at Sengthong's 

to watching The Little Mermaid at Greg and Sherri's

it was always together.

I have to admit, I don't have any birthday memories that exclude her.

Obviously I was a little jealous when we were younger,

blah blah blah I didn't get my own party.

And even as I grew older, sometimes

I didn't think it was fair that I cried every year

on MY birthday.

That my birthday always included a trip to the cemetery,

and that my birthday balloons were given to the sky.

My day, was our day.

But life has proven to teach me a few things.

Through losing that precious little girl I've learned that

life is valuable beyond comprehension.

But.

There's more.

I have come to know that families can be together forever,

even after death.

I've come to find that being selfless is more important than, "having my own day".

That thinking of others, and loving and caring will always lead to happiness.

That you can dwell on loss, live like a victim of life,

OR you can cherish memories and make new ones.

And right now. 

Even though I cry that I've been selfish,

 and I can't believe that I still miss her after 14 years, I'm also so happy.

I'm so grateful that I get to share with her. 

That sweet little girl reminds me to love others.

To make them smile and laugh.

And tomorrow, I'll wear purple. 

And I'll probably cry a little bit, because loss is so hard.

But most importantly I'll smile.

Because I'm the luckiest girl in the world,

I get to share my birthday with an angel.